if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
third nipple confirmed
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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