i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
