We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize