last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
