This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
