omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
