Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize