Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize