i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize