Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
