i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
