My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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