idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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