I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
