I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
