im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
