I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
