I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
