Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
