I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
