I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
