My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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