I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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