Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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