omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
