How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
