i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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