Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
