im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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