he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
