This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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