evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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