Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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