not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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