Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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