i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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