We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
