somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
