so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
