If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
