allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
