somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
