i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
