I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
