I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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