I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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