Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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