i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize