So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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