So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
