She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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