hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
