I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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