can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
