I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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