i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize