I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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